Sometimes, I like to read the bible in public and yell out,
“Oh Bullshit!
“Oh Bullshit!
— Zach Galifianakis (via notmovingtoportland)
View high resolution
Impressive Resume of the Day: Dear companies: Please hire this man for every position.
This is going to be my new resume template. I will be fording through a deluge of offers soon.
I Don’t Care What Hollywood Said, ILU Ricky Gervais.
So after all the hubbub about Ricky Gervais being a meanie at the Golden Globes, I youtubed his blastfest opening monologue and OH MY GOD, ONE OF THE BEST THINGS I HAVE EVER BEHELD. So now, you can imagine my excitement when I read that he wrote some banter for Oscar hosts JFranco and Anne Hathaway. Sadly, twas just a joke. Blergh. I was sincerely fucking excited for awesomeness like this:
“No rudeness tonight. It’s going to be a night of the most privileged people in the world being told how brilliant they are and thanking God for loving them more than ugly poor foreigners.”
View high resolution
Yep.
“In the middle of a shimmy, her stomach cramped. A fart slipped out. A loud one. And stinky.”
- excerpt from A Shore Thing
Black Swan starring Natalie Portman and Mila Kunis Ellen
“Now be bad! Be bad! Show us your bad side, Ellen! You’re the Black Swan! Now can you be a black bear?! Black ant! Black belly duck! Black olive!
….
Good, good. You found your dark side.”
LOL.
Bill Maher on Tea Party Constitution/Founding Fathers Insanity:
“The founding fathers would have hated your guts. And what’s more, you would’ve hated them. They were everything you despise. They studied science, read Plato, hung out in Paris, and thought the Bible was mostly bullshit.”
Bill, ILU.
View high resolution
What I looked like for Halloween.
Partying 2 nights in this getup was so exhausting. It was a sauna in there and going to the bathroom was hideous. It was a hit though, at least. Never have I taken so many pictures in one night.
Whenever I was walking around (especially waiting at intersections), I would yell out DO YOU KNOW THE MUFFIN MAN?! DOES ANYONE HERE KNOW THE MUFFIN MAN?! A drunk guy came up to me and told me he lived on Mulberry and I was like no…I don’t think so. I don’t think the muffin man lives in Chinatown. DID YOU MEAN DRURY LANE!?
Anyway, Sunday was a nice day so I walked around Central Park/Time Warner Center for kicks. A guy was like “YUM!” and I felt really violated. I turned around and told Mr. Cookiemonster to watch his mouth. Then I stopped by the Whole Foods cookie section and pretended to be a cannibal as you can see above. I also terrorized some children. A little girl yelled “aren’t you supposed to be running?” and I chased her down the block. Both her and her mother. It was great.
In Honor of Halloween: 20 Ways to Survive a Horror Movie
A quick run-down should you ever find yourself trapped in a horror movie and would prefer to live to tell the tale.
1. Don’t have sex.
- Seriously
- Abstinence is key.
2. Don’t go out with people you’ve just met that day.
- I don’t care how good he says his weed is,
- He is cuckoo bananas
- And he wants you dead.
3. Don’t go to camp. Especially one where someone was murdered.
- There are six words you should YouTube, should you get the chance:
- “Kevin Bacon in Friday the 13th”
4. Find a good hiding place and… STAY. THERE.
- If the killer can’t see you or hear you, WHY WOULD YOU MOVE?
- Possibly the easiest rule to follow and, ironically enough, the easiest to break.
5. Always wear sensible shoes, ‘cause you never know when you’ll need to run through the woods.
- Someone will always be barefoot
- Or in heels
- Or just plain clumsy
- And will sprain their ankles
- And die.
6. If the town looks deserted, it’s probably because everyone is dead.
- Don’t walk around looking for people
- House of Wax, anyone?
7. Don’t be a hero.
- Unless your name is Harry Fucking Potter, you will die.
8. If you hear something creepy in the distance, like a dog’s yelp cut off mid-bark, don’t investigate.
- The killer is there.
- Also, your dog is dead.
9. Always check the backseat before entering your vehicle.
- The last thing you need is to be killed while trying to merge on the expressway.
10. If your car breaks down in front of a dilapidated gas station, don’t ask a sketchy-looking townie for help.
- Some part of your body will wind up in his pick-up truck
11. Don’t go into the basement.
- They are creepy enough without you dying in one.
12. If you’re trying to buy a house and the real estate agent won’t answer any direct questions about either the history of the home or the previous tenants, DO NOT MOVE IN.
- At some point, someone in the house heard voices and cracked.
13. Turn off the television (and run away) if a girl crawls out of it.
- It is obviously your wisest choice.
- SEE ALSO: Poltergeist, daughter trapped in TV because of.
14. If the walls of your house bleed, do not attempt an exorcism.
- Move very very far away.
- There’s blood in your walls.
- Blood.
- Your
- Walls
- Are
- Bleeding.
15. Don’t act like a detective.
- Some crazy Japanese kid who meows like a cat will attack you in a closet.
- If you live, awesome story to tell your friend, right?
- But if you die, it is, like, the opposite of awesome.
16. Google the location you’ll be vacationing at.
- If more than five reports for “Missing Persons” pops up, you know not to go there.
- Issue. Solved.
17. Don’t get drunk. Or come under the influence of any mind-altering drug.
- Running away from a killer is that much harder when you’re tipsy and giggling.
18. If you see someone in a mask, don’t assume it’s one of your friends playing a trick on you to scare you.
- It is the killer.
- ALSO: Laughing while saying, “Tommy, is that you in that stupid mask? Oh, I’m so-o-o-o-o scared!” is not conducive to your surviving.
- Killers are very sensitive about their disguises.
19. Don’t take a shower if:
- It’s past midnight at the campground you and your sorority sisters are staying at or
- The lock to the door doesn’t work and you hear creepy piano music
20. If the call is coming from inside the house, get out.
- Clearly the killer is not outside, now is he?
